


Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

by Hadelli



Category: Glee
Genre: Celebrating Life, Grief, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-26 11:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hadelli/pseuds/Hadelli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m sure you all expected me to perform a song and not read a poem. I’m sorry to disappoint.”</p>
<p>Grief is never easy. But when Blaine Anderson looks back on his life, there isn't anything to grieve. Just a lot to be thankful for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably warn for a bunch of stuff. Mostly MAJOR character death. But it's not tragic. It's just life.
> 
> Also brief mention of Finn, which I know is still a critical thing (at least for me). 
> 
> Inspired by Blaine's time capsule and a poem (which is also the title of the story).
> 
> Thanks for reading.

For all the preparation of the past weeks, the actual affair is passing surprisingly fast. There is no priest or anything church-y going on, even though they are in fact in a church.

Kurt Hummel had never been a religious person.

People talk and Blaine is sure all speeches are heartfelt but he is blocking them out regardless. Rachel’s “For Good” makes him tear up but it’s really the only thing he remembers afterwards.

Mostly, he focuses on the picture at the front. Has he chosen the right one? There had been so many to pick from: Dancing at their wedding, Kurt on stage mid-curtsy after his first performance as a lead on Broadway, the first time he’s holding their son..

He probably chose the wrong one. For all he denied it, Kurt w _as_ pretty vain and would have preferred one from his twenties. With flawless skin and always impeccable styling.

But Blaine loves this picture. Kurt is lying on the couch, completely exhausted after having spent the day with the grandkids, Lola and Jordan passed out on top of him. His hair is all over the place, grey and white and in need of a haircut. There is a pink stain on his wrinkly white shirt (Blaine would never dare to mention the wrinkles in his face; even at 79 it was something they decided to just not acknowledge), most likely because Lola had spilled her cherry juice at lunch.

But his eyes are the same piercing blue and they are looking at the kids with so much adoration that it still takes Blaine’s breath away to remember any and every time they looked at him just like that.

This was the picture Blaine wanted to represent Kurt’s life. Because this was exactly what his life had been.

He feels Lola’s hand tighten around his and looks up from his musings. Right. It’s time for his speech.

He gets up with more difficulty than he likes to admit and makes his way over to the microphone, situated right next to the large framed photograph. He takes one last look at it, smiling slightly, before he turns to the audience. Blaine Anderson has never shied away from a performance.

“I have been blessed with this amazing family and friends, who have been worrying about me these last few weeks; I know they have. But to be honest, all I feel today is _relief_.”

He pauses and looks at the picture again.

“I’m not relieved because I finally get to just put the dirty dished into the dishwasher without pre-washing them. I mean _really_ , as if the dishwasher wouldn’t be able to get them clean without it. My hands are sensitive, there’s a reason I put lotion on them even when I was a teenager, washing the dishes even though we have a dishwasher is just _unnecessary_ -“

Jordan coughs quite loudly and definitely fake and Blaine stops and shrugs. He sees Rachel grin through her tears and winks at her.

“Right. Sorry. What I meant to say was that the reason I’m relieved is because I never ever wanted Kurt to have to this. Kurt is-“

He pauses. Licks his suddenly dry lips.

“Kurt was the strongest person I ever met. He was able to push through anything. He lost-“

He stops again. Takes a deep breath.

“He lost people in his life when he was very young. He lost his mom and I know it shaped him in ways I just cannot comprehend. And then he lost his brother. I am so glad I knew him then. I am so glad that he had so many people to rely on. And I finally saw how strong he really was. How he cared for his friends”, he shoots another look at Rachel, who is crying openly now, “and his family and he never drowned in the sorrow and in the grief I knew he was feeling.

Back then, I promised myself that I would never want for him to have to be this strong because of me. I never wanted him to have to power through grief because of me. Not because I thought he wouldn’t be able to deal with it but because I knew that he could. With all the grace and strength only Kurt Hummel could. And while I know that he had so much grief because of me, I am relieved that I got to spare him this. I am glad that I am the one to carry the burden for once.”

He looks at his friends, his son and his grand-children. They are crying but they have been doing that for days and Blaine is pleased that they aren’t hiding their grief from him.

“I have known Kurt Hummel for most of my life. To be quite honest, I can’t even remember the first 15 years of my life because they’ve become so inconsequential after this whirlwind of great hair and brooches and musicals shook me up and took me for a ride. I know some of you think we are the picture perfect of a marriage; high school sweethearts who stayed together, who made it.

It wasn’t that.

We had fights and break-ups and cheating and exhaustion and doubt. Two performers in a relationship who want to shine and have issues with conceit and self-doubt and selfishness; you can imagine the hurricane that was our marriage. But it was a life. It was about being clueless and stumbling into New York and living together, it was too much sex and too little room, becoming parents and not knowing what to do _at all_ , it was being jealous about a lot of things: other men, jobs, kids, friends. We did it all. And I cannot imagine my life without any of it. Because being loved by a Hummel man is about the biggest achievement of my life. It is the best thing that happened to me and anyone who got into his life is just so fortunate.

Which is why I’m glad that we are here today and get to share this with each other. Today is not about grieving Kurt, it is about sharing our happiness of having had him in our lives for as long as we did. Kurt did not believe in heaven. He was convinced most of the people he worked with would go to hell, but I think that was more his wishful thinking.

I asked him once what I would do if he died, if I couldn’t think of him in heaven, looking down at me. He didn’t have an answer. But we know that Kurt Hummel would never leave me without any guidance, so a few weeks later he read a poem to me and I want to share it with you now.”

He unfolds the little piece of paper slowly, taking deep breaths and gathering his wits after talking too fast for too long. When he looks up he smiles wryly at his family.

“I’m sure you all expected me to perform a song and not read a poem. I’m sorry to disappoint.”

And then he reads.

_Do not stand at my grave and weep;_

_I am not there. I do not sleep._

_I am a thousand winds that blow._

_I am the diamond glints on snow._

_I am the sunlight on ripened grain._

_I am the gentle autumn rain._

_When you awaken in the morning’s hush_

_I am the swift uplifting rush_

_Of quiet birds in circled flight._

_I am the soft stars that shine at night._

_Do not stand at my grave and cry;_

_I am not there. I did not die._

His voice shakes more than it has ever done during any of his performances over the years though it is his most important one. Or maybe because it is his most important one.

He only realizes that he’s crying when he tastes the saltiness on his lips. But it’s not grief he feels, it’s love and gratitude.

“Kurt knew he would always be everything and anything to me. He is not gone. He is with us, in all our memories and our hearts and our every action. He has formed me and formed our son and has left an impact on our grandchildren and everyone sitting here today. I will spend the rest of my life with Kurt. - But I should probably let you know that he gave me permission to go after Tom Hardy if he died before I did. But don’t worry. It’s only for the sex. My love stays with Kurt. I promise.”

Jordan is burrowing his face in his hands while Rachel and Tina chuckle. His son Alexander is shaking his head at him and Blaine shrugs again before making his way over to the piano positioned to the right of the front.

“Now I know I said that I would read the poem instead of performing a song but who are we kidding, really? Kurt would never have forgiven me if I hadn’t used this chance to shine once more. So. This is for you, Kurt. I love you. Always.”

He plays the first notes of “Somewhere Only We Know” and smiles to himself. The poem didn’t mention it but for Blaine, Kurt will always be in any piece he plays or sings or hears.

_So why don’t we go somewhere only we know._

 


End file.
